A Bit Nervous

I’m a bit nervous. Lately I’ve been spending a fair amount of time thinking about the future. Actually I haven’t been thinking about my future per se but my oldest son Kiel’s future. In three short months he’ll finish up and graduate from the local community college. Then sometime this summer he’s off to some university, probably the University of Central Florida in Orlando to complete his studies. Until recently I’ve been fine with this. But I have to tell you as time passes and his leaving becomes more of a reality I realize that….I’m a bit nervous. I know that my faith teaches me not to worry or be anxious about anything but frankly I am.

I’m nervous that once he leaves that he’ll forget to call to check-in and make sure that I’m doing okay without him here. He’s been here for me for every day the last 20 years so I’m not exactly sure how I’ll act when he’s gone. I’m worried that my telephone number will flash on the caller ID of his phone and he won’t answer it because ‘it’s just my dad’. Or that he’ll forget to brush his teeth and then as luck would have it, meet the girl of his dreams. I’m concerned that he’ll leave his ready-to-mail car payment on his dresser only to notice it two weeks later when he is desperately searching for a pair of clean underwear. I’m troubled that he’ll meet someone who doesn’t share his views on kindness and generosity that they’ll take advantage of him. I’m worried that he’ll eat nothing but junk food, that he’ll drive too fast and that he’ll wash his colored and white clothes together. I’m worried that I haven’t taught him all that I should or could have. But what I’m really worried about are the lessons that he’ll need to learn that only life can teach him. The hard lessons – You know the difficult, painful, hurtful kind of lessons that come at a cost. The kind of lessons that can come only by him living his own life and making his own mistakes. The lessons he must and will learn - this is what I’m nervous about.

But then there are some things that I’m not nervous about. These are things that I know are true – unshakable – rock solid. Things I can hang my hat on. There is no doubt in my mind that my son will leave home knowing he is loved. He will leave here knowing full well that we (his mother and I) can’t possibly love him anymore than we already do. He also knows that our love for him is not predicated on his performance. Regardless of what he does or what kind of mistakes he makes, he’ll know that we will always love him. Over the years we have repeatedly told both our boys that we love them for who they are…not for what they do. No matter how big the mistake may seem at the time, we’re hopefully that this kind of love will remind him that we love him and will lead him home if need be. But even more important than our love, my son will leave this house knowing he is loved by God. He’ll leave knowing that although my love for him is not perfect, God’s is. He’ll understand that even though I may not be there, that God is and he’ll always be able to count on Him. He’ll leave knowing whose child he is and who he belongs to. And because of this, because of Love (i.e. God), I’ll be able to let him go.

I know that my son will be fine. I know that eventually I’ll be fine. I also know many of you have been through this before and will tell me that is going to be okay and not to worry. Which it will be, it will be okay and I shouldn’t worry. I know this. I also realize that it’s probably not going to be as bad as I’m making it out to be. I’m simply a nervous parent who is having difficulty letting go. But I will do it; I’ll let him go so he can become what he is supposed to…a man. A man who will always be my little boy, who will always be loved. But in the meantime…I’m a bit nervous.