Cheater

"Win if you can, lose if you must, but always cheat.”

Now I’ll be the first to admit that the aforementioned quote is not very good advice. Actually it violates everything that I believe in and teach my kids. But I have to admit, I like to cheat. Not in the way you’re thinking. Not on my wife or taking short cuts in my job or life. Maybe it would better for me to say that I always don’t like to play fair - when it's in fun and I can get under someone's skin. I like to pull the rug from underneath people when they least expect it. I like to see people’s reactions when I do or say something they would never expect me to do. I like to watch ‘em squirm. Button-Pushing, String Pulling, Crank Yanking – call it what you will but I call it fun.

For example, if my wife and I are having an argument and I notice that she’s getting the upper hand. I’ll play dirty. I’ll simply stop in the middle of the conversation and stare at her hair. That’s right I’ll just clam up and lock on to her follicles. Why? Because it drives her nuts. She can’t stand it. Remember she is a beautician, hair is what she does. Because of this, she is very conscious of how her hair looks. “What are you looking at?” “What’s wrong with my hair? I know it looks horrible…it’s the humidity”. Then she’ll tell me to “Knock it off” or “Quit it” in some colorful fashion. She usually ends up hitting me on the arm too. “You’re such an expletive; you know I can’t stand it.” I know that’s why I do it. By the way, did you notice we’re not arguing anymore?

A while back Kathy and I were in Target and this little kid about four years old was acting up – big-time. He was trying to catch up to his mother while pushing a shopping cart. All the time he was screaming, wailing and carrying on. His mom did absolutely nothing but what this kid really needed was a old fashioned ‘whuppin’. I kept watching this little dude as kept coming closer to me. I stopped at the end of the row and waited for him to come near me. His mom was two aisles over from me and he was determined to find her. All the time he is still crying and wailing. When he went to turn the corner where she was, our eyes met. I quickly checked to make sure no one was looking. Then I made a stern face and mouthed the words “Knock it off…Now!” and pointed my finger at him in a “I’m serious” sort of way. This scared the crap out of him and shut him up. Didn’t hear a peep out of him the rest of the time we were in the store. Kathy chastised me by saying “Ron, what if his mom sees you!” to which I replied “Good, then maybe she’ll know what do the next time he acts up”.

I’m notorious for wrestling with my boys. Ever since I can remember, I have got on the floor and wrestled with them. But as they have gotten bigger and stronger it’s not as easy for me to take them like I used to. So now that I’ve gotten older and weaker I have to find ways to compensate for this. I’ll usually resort to some sort of masculine move like pinching or pushing on pressure points. My favorite is to stiffen my thumb and push it in between their ribs or into the side of their neck. I even have a name for it I call it the “Thumb Drive”. (I’m a computer geek what can I say) Any how this “move” will usually swing things in my favor pretty quick. My boys will usually call me a “Sissy” or a “Cheater”. To which I’ll simply laugh and remind them that they are no longer kicking my butt. This makes them even madder so they’ll just grit their teeth and walk away. When if you can, lose if you must but always cheat….as long as it doesn’t matter...and no one gets hurt(especially me).